Ups and Downs

Let's talk about mental health. Here's how my brain goes:

First 20 minutes:

Idea!

Let's do this!

Why not spend some money to do this thing?

Let's download the app that will help me do this thing.

Let's spend some more!

30 minutes later:

I'm failing.

I'll never be good at this thing.

I've wasted so much of my life not doing this thing, so why start now?

Fuck it, I give up.

This is daily for me. It's a constant struggle of up and down, mania and depression. I can spend hours upon hours, cleaning and throwing everything away. Then let's go out and buy all the shit.

I'm taking my meds. I can't afford a therapist right now. This is my therapy.

Has anyone ever told you to just ignore your feelings? Have you ever felt terrified of disappointing someone you love? Hell, anyone for that matter. That's what I'm constantly battling. I would say I'm doing things to cope, but I'm not. I guess the first step is acknowledgement, right?

I think what I'm trying to get at with this post, is validation. Am I the only one who goes through this? If I'm not, I need tips. What do you do to cope?

Here's what I hear and here are my thoughts when confronted with my mental health issues.

Them: You need to take time you yourself.

Me: I don't have time.

Them: find joy in the little things

Me: no shit.

Them: enjoy the kids, they're little only once.

Me: again, no fucking shit. I'm constantly worrying about not spending enough time or too much time and not letting them grow or keeping them sheltered or not giving them enough attention. Fuck off with the obvious.

There are tons more, but these are the most frequent from disingenuous folks.

What I'd like to hear instead? I hear you. I understand that you are struggling, and I'm here to support you, not force you to act a certain way. I want to hear that you are an advocate for mental health and want to help people succeed, not point out obvious "solutions" that you think are so easy.

Well. This has been a complete ramble. I needed this today. What are some ways you cope with mental health? What diagnosis has you struggling? Obviously, you don't have to answer, but it's so important that we keep this conversation open. We stop talking about mental health, then it gets swept under the rug. Be a voice of change. Share with everyone. My name can be out there, I don't care.

My name is Jennifer McComsey Litton, I suffer from major depressive disorder, panic attacks, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder, to name the top. I am struggling, but I'm working on it.