I Never Was a Punk Rocker

Part 1A.

Do you ever hear a song and it gives you a feeling, a type of feeling that brings you back to your adolescence. A feeling of peace, like you are in that moment of time, as if you were thrown back and nothing in the last 25 years has changed. I get that feeling with a lot of songs, specifically those of the grunge era. The days of flannels, band shirts, Converse One Stars, and those oh so desirable doc Martin combat boots. You can even smell the memories.

I have a confession. I wasn't an original punk rocker.

I had a split second of this driving home with the kids today. I made a new playlist, just to give the kids a good variety, of '90s music. Stuff that I listen to, of course. There's a lot of good stuff on there from Nirvana, Belly, Mazzy Star, Veruca Salt, The Sundays, and Hole. These bands were the gateway for me. They will always hold a special place in my heart. Now, everyone has their own feelings about Courtney Love, I personally am not a huge fan. I can't say, though, that her first two albums were bad. And strangely enough, this is what brought that feeling. The song "Malibu".

It reminded me of being 16 or 17 years old, sitting in my bedroom with the windows open. We didn't have much money then, so air conditioning was a luxury. I listened to Hole, reading Spin magazine, and trying to learn the baselines. Just me, and the music. Getting into punk was a completely different stage for me. The one thing I ask myself though, when did I lose my style? I miss the days of long flowy hair, no bangs, split straight down the middle. Loose flannels, tight tank tops, and baggy jeans. My parents hated this phase. That's what they called it, a "phase". They couldn't understand that I was trying to express myself. I never felt like I had that freedom.

Why do I think this is a confession? I think it's because, in the punk scene, honestly in any scene, there's a certain type of pressure to feel like you are original. Like you've always been a part of the scene. Well I haven't, there's my secret. I'm not an OG punk.

I think this was when I felt the most comfortable in my skin. I think I might go back to that. Is this what they call a midlife crisis? Is this what's happening? I turn 41 tomorrow, so I guess it could be.

Part 1B

Something else I'm also contemplating and have been thinking about, quitting smoking. It's so hard. I want to do it, for the health of myself, and for my family. Any tips you have would be awesome. I'm going to try, for now, to cut back. Frannie told me I need to quit when I'm ready. She's right, and I think slow and steady is my ready.

Part 2?

This blog post is very scattered, so I'm going to go ahead and apologize now. I know we're halfway through the post, and I probably should have mentioned this before, but as I said.... It's really scattered.

I had a really crappy situation happen this month. I was supposed to reconnect with my dad for my birthday, and, as I should have known, he found something more important to take care of than his daughter. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I'll say this, I've cut him out for the last time. It's amazing how one text can send you into a spiral of grief and pain. And it's also amazing that that grief and pain can last days and days. All I wanted was for my dad to care for me, to for once put me first. I told my kids a little bit about the situation. Karolines response was "how could a dad not want his daughter?". I don't know kid, and you will never know because you're never going to experience that.  

Part 3Z

I guess what I want anyone to come away with reading this blog post, is to be true to yourself. You can like different types of music, and you can dress however you want to. You be you, there's no pressure to be anything else. What I found in this group, is that I don't have to be a certain way. I can be who I want, and I think I'm starting to get back to her.

This is at least when I want my kids to understand. I want them to understand that they have parents who love them, and who will do anything for them. Parents who will step in front of oncoming traffic to protect them, who will give them the freedom of expression to dress how they want, and listen to what they want. These were things that I've missed in my life, but what I understand now, is that I can give it to my children tenfold.