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It's one day before Thanksgiving. In my family growing up, this would be prep day. Pop would be making stuffing, leaving the turkey out. Mom would be making mashed potatoes, with lots of buttermilk and butter. I loved the smells of rosemary and thyme. I found them comforting.

Oma's favorite part of Thanksgiving was stuffing and gravy. Mine too.

Holidays have looked different the past 10 years. No more getting together with relatives, no more stress over cooking. No where to be at a certain times. The biggest relief, no guilt.

My last few holidays with family weren't the best. For some reason, all the good parts are a blur, all the bad parts stand out. Anyone else have that issue? A therapist once told me that my brain isn't good at filing the bad things, so they tend to stay up front. I guess my brain is disorganized, just like me. I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place, but, the topic is holidays, so it makes sense, right? Right.

I work in retail. This time of year, it's a money maker. Commission, hours, all of it. With retail comes all different types of people. My favorite (/s/) are the ones who love to discuss politics. I was told recently, that white liberals are the enemy of this country. My response? I sold him. You just paid part of a whiny liberals' paycheck. Enjoy and happy holidays, buddy.

What makes people think it's okay to openly discuss such harsh topics like election rigging, gun rights, and not to mention, assuming I agree? That, to me, is more dangerous.

End political rant.

Begin Holiday anxiety.

These are the two months I miss my mom the most. Her favorite time of year was Christmas. Everything went up the day after Halloween, and since my family stems from Germany, we didn't ever make much of a big deal about Thanksgiving. That was used as an excuse to just get together. Of course there were my favorite parts of that which included my dad preparing stuffing (there were giant paper bags used, lots of rosemary, and just lots of delicious stuff) and turkey. I got excited about asparagus casserole. As I got older, the holidays got more stressful. There was more drinking involved, angry words exchanged. Family members dying, grief never fully felt. It lead to arguments, separation, and holidays alone.

That was the past. This year, I'm starting something new. This year, I've developed a much needed relationship, kinship, with my new best friend, Frannie. We needed each other, and we didn't know it. We've both dealt with grief, pain, and heartache. Now we have each other, and despite all the craziness of this year, we've survived. Not only with the help of our loved ones, but with the help of each other. Besides my babies and hubby, she's been my day of sunshine in this year of shit we call 2020.

I'm feeling it now, the daze, and I have to say, it finally feels good.

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